Category: Humor

Minecraft Explosion

It started as a normal situation, Teddy and Stella got into a fight. Nothing new, it happens seven to eight times a day (with three kids, there’s always an argument over something).

This one was over one of Teddy’s light sabers. He came downstairs all in a lather saying Stella broke one of his light sabers. He said she grabbed it and broke it. It was in two pieces, but it was able to be slid back into place. He was all worked up because it “wasn’t the same anymore”.

Stella is known for grabbing things, so I was pretty miffed about this whole incident. I called her into the room and was ready to tear into her. Then she fills in the rest of the story…

Teddy held out the light saber for her to hold on to as he tried to lift her. Poor judgment on both of them.

I confronted Teddy with my new found information, which he had no choice but to admit his part in the terrible decision. I told him it was just as much his fault as it was Stella’s.

He wasn’t happy.

A few minutes later, Stella came running done stairs in tears.

“Teddy blew up my world!”

She has an array of Mi World shops in her room and I thought that was what she was talking about.

I couldn’t have been more wrong! (It took me a few minutes to figure out what happened.)

All three of the kids have there Minecraft world linked up on their tablets. Well, Teddy went into Stella’s world and set off a whole lot of TNT and blew up a bunch of her stuff.

Working together, a rare sight!
Working together, a rare sight!

Man was she upset. She was crying about not being able to get her animals back in their pen.

This is where my parenting skills are lacking because I started laughing and couldn’t keep a straight face (I tried SO hard). So I told her we need to go take this problem to Daddy.

This conversation went on for twenty minutes about how what happened with Stella and the light saber was an accident, but what Teddy did was on purpose and that was a big difference.

It was just another weekend in the Kraus House.

I Wear Pajamas to School Drop Off

I admit it, I occasionally wear my pajamas when I drop my kids off at school. I usually change into yoga pants before I enter the great big world and on special days I actually get really dressed and put on make up before drop off (but that’s as elusive as a leprechaun).

I must admit, my attire completely depends on the demeanor of my sweet, darling children. If they are cooperative, than I can change. But that, once again, can be like that leprechaun. It can also depend on how I feel.

Today I had an incredible headache and every time I moved I could feel my heartbeat pound in my head like it was going to explode. Today my kids were lucky they even got to school. I would have brought them in my underwear if I wasn’t already wearing pants, it hurt to bend over.

Wearing pajamas to school drop off
This is what I wore today, pudding stain and all (I did have a coat zipped).

There was recently an article floating around that was going to ban parents from wear pajamas at drop off, who cares? Getting three kids out of the house can be a challenge, no matter how organized you are.

The days I do wear my pajamas, I don’t get out of the car. Since there’s usually an issue with one or more of my kids (a fight) they’re lucky I actually come to a complete stop (just kidding!).

I am the treasurer of the school’s PTO so I have to frequently enter the building in the morning to drop things off and to check the mail. On these days, I make sure I am wearing yoga pants or jeans, but if I am wearing a coat I can’t guarantee a bra. I have also forgotten to put on real shoes, but my slippers do look like moccasins.

Pajamas to school
I made two stops before I realized I had my slippers on that day.

I must say, I do feel you should have changed out of your pajamas by the time you need to pick up your kids in the afternoon (I know Maizie would be mortified if I did that).

Have you ever worn pajamas to drop off your kids?

A Morning Shower Scene

Some days I feel like I’m living in a sitcom. The things that happen can’t be real.

Here’s what went down in the Kraus House bathroom the other morning…

Teddy was taking a shower and Stella came into the living room telling me that Teddy said he needed a bowl. In other words, he needed a “throw up” bowl. I relayed to her that he was already in the bathroom and use the toilet (I didn’t think he was actually sick).

She came right back and said he NEEDS a bowl.

I have two sets of metal bowls just for these occasions.
I have two sets of metal bowls just for these occasions.

Now I need to investigate. I open the bathroom door and he’s standing there, naked and dripping wet. I told him if he’s going to be sick, he’s golden…the toilet is right there. That’s the ultimate “throw up bowl”.

He told me he already got sick, in the shower. I look, I almost got sick. He clogged the drain.

I seriously thought about waking up Ted to take care of this situation for a good 10-15 seconds, I can’t even handle cleaning out the sink after washing the dishes never mind this bio hazard. I decided if I could give birth to that giant baby, I could clean his giant mess.

I noticed my soap was blocking the drain; I wasn’t sticking my bare hand in that shower stew for anyone. I remembered I bought new dish washing gloves the other day, I put them on. I went in and removed the obstruction. As I left the bathroom Stella said, “Well those new gloves are headed straight for the trash.”

Now, Maizie does not handle situations like this well at all. She took a pack of cookies and retreated to the top of the stairs. She was eating an entire package of cookies while using her tablet at 7:30 in the morning on a school day, I didn’t care I had bigger issues to take care of…my tub and a wet, naked kid on the bathroom floor.

Stella, being a giant nose bag, had to see what the scene looked like in the bathroom. I told her to take a look. Maizie was HORRIFIED that she even considered going near the bathroom door, let alone open it.

As she was opening the bathroom door, Maizie is screaming from the stairs, “Don’t do it Stella! Don’t look!” Of course Stella looked.

Stella turned to me, shook her head and said, “Oh-my-God! That’s gross!” I know, I know.

She had to look!
She had to look!

Then Maizie yelled (from her perch), “Teddy, you didn’t throw up on my flip flop did you?” Not, “Are you okay?” or “Do you need anything?”

Once the water drained out, I gloved up, grabbed a roll of paper towels, a Target bag (because everyone has a giant stash of them in their house) and the Clorox spray and went in. I cleaned the sh*t out of that tub. Thankfully we have a removable showerhead and I could spray it directly. I’m not going to say I handled it well, because that’s debatable.

Another problem that popped in my head, I need to take a shower. I didn’t want to go in there after what I saw.

Ted was the one who took the next shower, I didn’t want to be next (I totally would have gone days until someone else went before me). When I was in the shower I went to wash up. I went to grab my soap. It was the soap that was in the shower stew.

How did it get back up there? I left it on the side of the tub so I would remember to get a new bar. There is no way that is touching my body.

Can I reach the sink from the shower to get a new bar of soap without getting the entire bathroom soaked? I don’t care. Ted’s soap makes my skin feel like it’s in a vice and I smell like I’m running through a field, I NEED my soap.

I managed to keep the shower curtain (mostly) closed as I leaned across the bathroom to get a new bar of soap. I immediately tossed that nasty bar! My shower finished successfully.

Please tell me things like this happen in other people’s houses and not just mine!

The Elf is Watching you!

He’s coming, it’s almost time.

Every year he shows up on Thanksgiving. We wake up and he’s next to the Wampa.

Kraus House Mom
Chatting on the phone and catching up with his pal, the Wampa.

Our Elf on the Shelf, Elfel (my oldest named him).

Then the countless nights of hoping he’s going to be somewhere else in the morning.

Kraus House Mom
Stuck in some things

I don’t want my kids to be disappointed if Elfel doesn’t get to “fly home at night”, especially if someone was awake upstairs, causing a ruckus.

The pressure he has of finding a new place to hang out can be intense.

Kraus House Mom
He likes the chandelier…a lot

He wants to be creative, but he doesn’t want to be touched (he is very tempting) and he wants to be out of reach from Alabama.

He also wants to be somewhere he can see everything so he can report it all back to Santa.

Kraus House Mom
He sits on things. Stella sings Wrecking Ball when he’s here.

We have asked him not to make a mess and he has listened.

The kids are getting older, so maybe he can get a bit more daring with his spots.

We shall see.

Does the Elf on the Shelf visit you? Where does your elf hang out?

The Things They Said and Did

It’s Thursday, so I went back to 2009 and looked at some of the posts from November and December. Here are some gems inspired by the Kraus Kids.

2009

Maizie wet her My Little Pony’s tail and mane because she wants “A rock star pony”

Teddy pooped in the upstairs toilet today. Teddy (age 3) requires assistance with the clean up aspect of using the can. Teddy did not call for said assistance after going this morning. Teddy left his pants on the floor of the bathroom and came down the stairs on his butt. This left the dog wondering why Teddy isn’t… in trouble. Daddy is hitting the stairs with the carpet cleaner and a poor attitude.

He dressed himself...t least he has pants on
He dressed himself…t least he has pants on

Maizie will say a swear phrase and the only word she says correctly is the swear, Stella got out of her crib at naptime and locked her door and Teddy will leave the room and return with no pants on what so ever.

Stella continues to think she’s Tawny Kitaen in a Whitesnake video.

Stella had on a sour puss face in a lot of pictures back then
Stella had on a sour puss face in a lot of pictures back then

Conversation I had with Teddy yesterday.
T:why are you tired,
Me:because you keep coming in my bed at night and squish me,
T:that’s because you don’t move over.
Gotta love his reasoning.

Maizie just told me our “audium balls” (ornaments) were magical because Santa is magic.

Look at Maizie smile, so happy
Look at Maizie smile, so happy

Just took a Christmas card picture. Stella was less than cooperative, Teddy wouldn’t stop singing and Maizie had her shoes on the wrong feet. Oh well, that’s typical. Then Maizie didn’t want to take off her fancy dress and Teddy is walking around with just his underwear (on backwards) and his dress shoes. Stella has been sent to the pack n play until further notice.

If I have to watch Hero of the Rails one more time I’ll send Hiro to the smelter’s yard myself.

My aunt in Florida sent some presents, last night I put them under the tree. What a HUGE mistake.

To this day, I do not put out presents until the 24th (in the afternoon).
To this day, I do not put out presents until the 24th (in the afternoon).

Reading these takes me back and looking at the pictures, they were so little!

Life with a Dog

I am Alabama Worley and I am the Kraus House dog. Let me tell you about myself.

I bark at any and every noise that is normal. Something out of the ordinary, who cares?

Barking at NOTHING
Barking at NOTHING

If a neighborhood dog barks, I NEED to respond. It doesn’t matter what time it is. You return your calls and texts, don’t you?

It doesn’t matter how many people are in the house I need to go to Mommy for everything (even if she’s sleeping).

I no longer feel it’s necessary to stay in the backyard. I want, no I need to roll around on the neighbors’ lawns and have them bring me back home. I really like to do this on holidays.

I will smack you with my paws until you give me love. If you stop, the smacking will continue.

I don’t like anyone to put anything in that metal box attached outside the front door, especially that guy dressed in blue who carries that giant bag. How dare he come here everyday except Sunday?

I have to go outside at 11PM and bark. This is how I tell my friends I’m going to bed.

I probably licked a puddle here
I probably licked a puddle here

When I come upstairs to check on the kids with you, I like to wag my tail against the wall, just so I can see if I can wake up one of the kids.

I completely ignore Mommy when she calls me or tries to get me out of her spot, but I can hear her take a deli bag out of the fridge from three room away.

I even steal the blankets
I even steal the blankets

I walk really close behind Mommy when she vacuums, then I yelp and make her feel bad when she accidently steps on me.

I drool all over the place whenever Mommy eats baby carrots. Baby carrots, marshmallows and deli meats are the only things I beg for.

I wash my paws and leave wet spots on the couch and her bed all the time. Daddy can’t stand the sound it makes (it is pretty repulsive).

I need to be fed at 3:30PM, 5PM and 6PM by MOMMY! If anyone else gives me my food, it doesn’t count. She has to put the food in my bowl.

I use the pillows
I use the pillows

Even though I do all these things that would get on anyone’s nerves on a daily basis, she always has time for me. She always makes sure I have enough love and a spot on the bed to sleep on.

Homework is Killing Me

I hate when it’s time for my kids to do homework. I know plenty of parents that feel the same. I feel bad because I was the inflictor of the pain for many years.

So many things have lead to this deep hatred. Where do I begin?

A heavy backpack is the kick in the teeth of the afternoon
A heavy backpack is the kick in the teeth of the afternoon

My kids have the shortest attention span know to man.

This is when the arguments start; no matter how small it is, you would think the world is going to come to an end.

Someone is going to yell at another one and it’s going to escalate to epic proportions.

At least one kid will go on a 20 minute hunt for an eraser.

The erasers are used as play things and building blocks for all the tiny collectible toys
The erasers are used as play things and building blocks for all the tiny collectible toys

I can never find a pencil, no matter how many I buy.

This one of several packs bought, we've gone through one already
This one of several packs bought, we’ve gone through one already

A flea fart will distract them and throw them completely off topic, making homework time go on way longer than it should.

Someone always needs a drink or a snack.

The dog will come around needing something (to eat, go outside or just sit on my lap).

It can take well over an hour, and I can’t do anything else during this time because one or all of them needs me to sit there the entire time.

I constantly repeat myself. I constantly repeat myself.

I end up wanting to tear my hair out.

Someone’s not going to have a clue what that paper is for or what to do with it.

That paper one of the kids was just writing on is going to disappear into thin air and we ALL will have to hunt it down. It will end up in another room, one that we weren’t even in (see haunted house post).

This should be in a back pack and not on the back of the couch
This should be in a back pack and not on the back of the couch

I know that homework is going to be a fact of life for the next ten years and there’s nothing I can do about it. I just hope that as they get older, they will be able to pull themselves together and get it done without the drama.

Please tell me I’m not the only one.

Fish?…What? How Did This Happen?

Kraus House Mom

The kids and I went to the school carnival and since I’m on the PTO board, I had to help out with the festivities. That meant my kids were on their own.

There were games to play and prizes to be won, including fish. I was well aware of the fish beforehand (I helped plan this event) and the Kraus Kids were given strict instructions NOT TO PLAY THE GAME WITH THE FISH!!!!

So my question is: How did we end up with not one, but TWO fish?

It was the end of the night, and Maizie walked by me…carrying a bag with a fish. I practically sprinted over to her, to find out why, why, why she had a fish.

It turns out a boy in her class gave her the fish. It’s that just fantastic!

Stella (the family informant) sees Maizie has a fish and can’t wait to rat her out. I told the stoolie that I already knew she had the fish. That didn’t sit well with her.

“Why does she get to have a fish? I’m the responsible one.” (Can’t deny that.) “I hope she’s not going to keep it in her room…” She went on to tell me some of the unfortunate things the fish may encounter if it stayed in there. I told her it would stay on the mantle so we could all enjoy it (we’re so lucky).

The carnival ends and we are now fish parents. We’re all cleaning up the carnage of the night and guess what? Stella scores a fish from a friend that won six. Then there were two.

Thank God, Teddy didn’t care that he didn’t have one, three might have put me over the edge. Yea, they’re only fish, they don’t last long, blah, blah, blah. But, birds, reptiles and fish give me the creeps! And I’m the one that’s going to have to clean these slimy beasts.

We get home and of course we don’t have a fish bowl, and there’s now way in Hell I’m putting them in anything I plan on using for food, so I put them in flower vases and put them on the mantle.

Kraus House Mom
I may never use these vases again!

Now I need to go to the pet store.

At the pet store, I find out that these fish are the dirty skevortzes of the fish world, why wouldn’t they be?

The thought of putting anything fancy in the bowl that will get slimy and I’ll have to clean, NO THANK YOU!

I got a simple container (that locks…can’t trust these kids), a jar of food and a net to scoop the bastards. Goldie and Amazing (that’s their names) are transferred and by the end of the night, the water is filthy. I’m not cleaning it everyday, not happening. I’ll do it once, maybe twice a week if we can’t see them anymore.

Kraus House Mom
Locked on the mantle for all to see

I’m sure these fish will last forever.

The Trouble with 40

 

 

I turned 40 and I know there’s nothing I can do about it. Not to sound bitchy but, I have noticed that I do look better than some people I know that are younger than me. But there are just some things that happen to you once you hit 40 that really suck. I must say I noticed them starting around 35 but by my 40thbirthday, I really hit the skids.
Eyesight-Going, going, gone! I can’t see shit. I can’t read books anymore. I NEED to use my Nook and set the font on elderly, so there are only about 15 lines on the page. If a restaurant is dark, I have no idea what the menu says; and if I have my contacts in, forget it all bets are off. I even bought a pair of reading glasses from the Dollar Store. That’s it, time to train Alabama.
 

Not bad looking for the Dollar Store
Whiskers-WTF is this all about? At least I am still able to look in a mirror and seek those suckers out. I am constantly rubbing and feeling my chin. Then if I feel one, man I hope it’s not while I’m in public. Then all I can think is, “Can everyone see this monstrosity growing out of my chin?” “Do I look like Rip Van Winkle?” God forbid I look into a lighted magnified mirror. Holy shit, who the hell is that and what happened to her chin?
 

I need to get another pair and keep them in my purse for emergency removals
Memory-What was I supposed to write? I didn’t have a good short term memory to begin with, now FORGET IT!! If it’s not written down, it’s not happening. It took me 2 years to make a doctor’s appointment because I simply kept forgetting to do it. I would remember when I was in bed (not going to do me any good then).  I leave the store with only half the stuff I went for, sometimes I even forget when I go with a list. There’s a lot of “Oh shit, …” said around here.
Gas-I’ve never had the best gastro-intestinal system, but now one handful of popcorn at the movies and by the closing credits I can shoot myself out of there like you let the air out of a balloon. I’m just a diverticulitis time bomb waiting to go off. Seriously, just about everyone in my family has is and I’m just waiting for my turn.
Pulled Muscles (for no reason)-I can be sitting at the table NOT MOVING and pull a muscle. It happened during supper; I pulled the entire right side of my back. I wasn’t reaching, lifting or bending, just sitting. Every day I need to stretch my back to where I can tie my own shoes. Sometimes when I want to cross my legs I need to grab onto my pants to pull my leg over.
Oh 40, what have you done to me?

I’m Turning into My Grandparents

 

 

People usually start to turn into their parents, not me, I skipped a generation. I’m turning into my grandparents, my mom’s dad and my dad’s mom to be specific. It’s bordering on creepy and I may need an intervention.
New Rules-Nana came up with “new rules” daily. It could have been something big or it could have been something small, but everyday there was a new rule. Sometimes there was even a list of “New Rules” posted on the fridge. The thing is, they never last long that could be the reason why new ones keep coming up.
I find myself announcing “new rules” quite frequently. We could be in the car, at home, in a store it doesn’t matter. You never know when a new rule is going to happen and at that inception of that rule…follow it! Teddy even asks, “Is that a new rule?”
House Coats-I have two and I wear them. I’m not talking about bathrobes, I’m talking about step into, zip up the front house coats (one is velour, I know your jealous and the other is leopard fleece, you can stop coveting them now). Thet do have more flair than you’d see in a nursing home, but saying they’re fashion forward would definitely be pushing it.
 

I know you’re jealous

 

 

 

Nine times out of ten I put them on after I take a shower, before I get dressed so I don’t muss up my clothes before I head out to my destination. That one out of ten I will wear the leopard one all day if it’s chilly and I’m going to wear my pajamas all day.  You can ask my mailman, he’s seen the rockin’ ensemble
Organizing My Garbage-Well, I only organize the recycling. If you knew Grampa then you would understand completely. There were five people in the house when I was a kid and we only seemed to have one garbage can/bag on trash day. I have five people now and on trash day it looks like I cleaned out my basement every week. Poor Teddy has to take 4 or 5 trips to the curb to get it all out there.
 

I got it all into a cereal box!
I find myself compacting all the cardboard recycling into one small container. It could be a cereal box, a gift bag or some other random boxed food we had that week, but I feel it necessary to try to get ALL OF THE CARDBOARD into it, most of the time I am successful. If others would stop messing with my system, Teddy would cut down on his trash trips.
 

I wrapped my rubbish in gift bags
Sayings-I told the kids to “go wash their teeth” as soon as it was out of my mouth I looked at them. Stella was the only one that caught onto what I said, and then the inquisition began. “Why did you say that?” “Don’t you mean brush your teeth?” “Do you want us to use soap? ‘Cause that would be nasty.” I went on to tell her that my grandparents had false teeth and they would wash them instead of brushing them. Which lead to another inquisition.
I also called the refrigerator the icebox, what is this the 1930s? Teddy laughed at the slip, but of course Stella wasn’t going to let that go. More questions. I’ve also slipped and called the garbage rubbish and the iron the flat.
Naps-I have to take naps. My grandmother took a nap everyday and now I do too. The naps are not a luxury, they’re a necessity (CHF will do that to you). She took a nap around the same time everyday. I tell Stella to go get the big blue pillow and she and Alabama know it’s time. Stella gets on the other couch and Alabama gets on me. People joke and say I’m lucky, but truth is, it kind of sucks.
Stella enjoys our nap time, as does Alabama. We watch Criminal Minds and drift off until my phone goes off and it’s time to pick up the other two from school.
So I ask you, are you turning into your parents or your grandparents?