Category: Humor

Splinter Removal



Last week Stella got a splinter. She was upstairs playing and to my knowledge, there isn’t anything up there she could actually get a splinter from, especially on the bottom of her foot. It’s wall to wall carpet up there, but however she did it, it happened and thus the drama began.
She came downstairs screaming like she had a spear impaled in her foot. I tried to look at it. As soon as I touched her ankle to check out the bottom of her foot, the waterworks were turned way up as well as the volume. I told her I could take it out with the tweezers or I could beat it out with the broom, which did she prefer? She didn’t want either option.
She was lying on my bed on the verge of death (or so you would have thought). This girl is so dramatic, I don’t know anyone like that (okay I do). I knew it had to come out so I told her if it didn’t come out it was going to get nasty and she wouldn’t be able to wear pretty shoes. Then I reminded her of the SpongeBob episode when he had the splinter. I asked her if she wanted her foot to look like that. That was the clincher, she agreed to the removal (or should I say first removal attempt).
I went and got the tweezers, alcohol, cotton balls and the “splinter pin”. I went back into my room with my two assistants. She wanted me to remove the splinter without using the tweezers, the pin or my hands. That would have been a neat trick. I swabbed up the instruments to the sounds of screams as Maizie dab, dab, dabbed Stella’s eyes with the other cotton balls. I know Maizie was only there to see the agony of someone else (like that same dramatic person). I secured the foot as best I could (she’s a kicker) and cleaned the offending area with alcohol. That did it, it set her right off. I’m surprised there wasn’t a knock on the door for a domestic disturbance, because I would have handed over my splinter removal tools right there to the officers and said, “Have a go at it.”
She wouldn’t even let me get a look at the splinter. If I touched her toe, he screamed. If I tried to look at her foot, she screamed. She refused to lie on her stomach, so she and I were in an awkward position. At this point I had a headache (probably from a heel to the forehead), so the mission was abandoned.

The next morning I tried to do a pain free method. I found on the “interwebs” that if you mix baking soda, peroxide, salt and water into a paste and put it on the splinter, it’s supposed to come out on its own. Well let me just start by saying pain free does not mean drama or scream free.  I put the goo on her foot and she sat there. It did start to come out the teeniest tiniest bit, but she wouldn’t let me go at it with the tweezers. Every time I tried, I almost got a foot to the face. Abandon attempt two.
Mix with a splash of water


Goo applied


I just told her I was going to have to use tweezers
Now we’re onto day three and it absolutely HAS TO come out, whether she likes it or not. I mixed up more of the goo and had her lie on my bed (on her stomach) and watch TV. I applied the goo and left her there for at least 15 minutes. She kept asking if it was ready and I would say it was going to take a while. As she was distracted, I loaded up my pocket with my removal gear.
All gooed up


She had no idea what was about to happen!
When she least suspected it, I pounced. I jumped on her and pinned her down (it was the only way). Oh my gawd, the screaming, the squirming and the kicking.  Now, because it had been three days since she got the splinter, her skin had started to grow over. So now I had to try to get that off before I could even attempt to dig out the splinter itself.
The problem was I couldn’t hold her foot, pull the skin to expose the splinter and pull it out so I called for Ted to come help. Finally after a few tries, it was out. I released the beast, she immediately checked her foot to make sure we didn’t remove more than necessary, I guess.
Unfortunately I was not able to get pictures of the actual removal. Ted doesn’t like to participate in most of my shenanigans and my kids aren’t old enough to take decent pictures; their pictures resemble ones you might find in a camera after a bear attack (if you want blurry pictures of the ceiling or TV shows then give them a call).
Since she was “so brave” during her terrible ordeal, Ted told her he would get her something special. So she got a pack of gum all for herself (she did share it with her brother and sister). About an hour after it was gone she said to me, “Mommy, my foot feels so much better now.” You don’t say?

I’m on the Edge of a Before

You know how you see makeovers on TV or in magazine and you think wow how did she let herself get like that? Well, I think I may have become a “before picture” of my former self, or I’m on the express train there. I tried on a bunch of my clothes and they don’t fit, talk about the fast track to pissing me off. I have spent the past year in mostly yoga pants and a pony tail.
It’s not just that, I went nine months without getting a haircut. I can’t believe I went that long. I got my hair cut in August and do you know how many times I have “done” my hair? Probably four. My hair is in a pony tail this very moment.
I hardly put make up on anymore either. In the summer it didn’t matter, I was nice and tan; now it matters. When I’m getting ready to go out somewhere, it hardly crosses my mind to gussy up my face. Seriously, this has got to stop.
Since I don’t wear makeup (or even real pants), you can absolutely forget about jewelry. I don’t even wear my watch anymore, because I’m too lazy to put it on. Talk about pathetic.
In my past life, I dressed the part everyday (even on dress down days). Now, my whole life is a dress down day. I need to pull myself together.
I can’t become a before, I need to stay an after.
I’m going to have to pull myself together (as much as I like being lazy) and actually blow dry my hair. I’m going to have to put on makeup when I go out. And I guess if I’m not going to work out I should put on some real pants.
Getting the clothes to fit will be the next step; as long as I don’t trip over this one (I have a habit of doing that).

Kindergarten Orientation

We went to Teddy’s Kindergarten orientation this morning and he had been worried about this for a week. He knows the teacher because Maizie had her last year and he been in the classroom on visits, but this time it’s his teacher and his classroom. He made sure his hair was done and we gave him some pointers on what NOT to say (like he was Malfoy or that he was a wizard, that doesn’t usually go over well).
We got there and the teacher starts to laugh and wants to show us something she found while she was setting up the room. At some point last year, Maizie used the stick on letters and wrote her name on the classroom window, backwards. Apparently there were no more I’s so she turned an H and used that for the second I. The teacher saved it for us to see.
There was a scavenger hunt for the kids to do. Teddy had a distinct advantage over the other kids; Maizie was showing him where everything was. She was walking around like she was queen of the classroom. When the scavenger hunt was completed, you could turn it in for a coloring book and a box of crayons.
Stella is a crayon junkie. If she sees them, she needs them; it’s an uncontrollable urge for her. I had put them in my bag and she kept asking if she could hold my bag. I told her I was good, then she offer to just hold the coloring book and crayons, this is when I started to realize we were going to have a real problem. Since we were getting ready to leave I let it go.
We pull into the driveway and she immediately offers to carry my bag, I started to laugh. We get into the house and she goes right into the bag and takes out the crayons and coloring book. I asked what she was doing and she said, “I’m just going to put these on my desk in case Teddy wants to use them.” Having them just sitting there, a brand new box of crayons and a new coloring book, was just killing her. A few minutes later she brings him the coloring book and even takes out a crayon for him to use. She showed him where to color and what to do. Ut oh, he colored outside the line (how dare he) she did the only thing she could, she took his coloring book and crayons away from him. Teddy was able to use (touch) his coloring book and crayons for a grand total of ten seconds.