More Kraus Kid One (or more) Liners

As I read through the posts from before, it became obvious that the older they got the funnier they got. Here are some more…
The kids were playing out in the yard and Teddy and Stella came in the house. They were filthy and Stella had one hand behind her back. She says “Close your eyes”, me not trusting her one little bit immediately asked “WHAT DO YOU HAVE?” Teddy says, “We found a snake.”  I jump from the chair as Stella presents the “snake” (a foot long worm) and I run into the bathroom and lock the door. Ted came in and had to release the “snake” back to its family. Stella wasn’t quite sure if it was funny or she should be afraid of worms.
Stella is sitting in the chair with me singing her version of “”Ding dong the witch is dead” (Ding dong the witch is melting), she leans over the side of the chair toward the couch where Maizie is sitting and says, “Hey May, I’m singing a song about you”
This morning I was getting dressed and Stella was behind me. I had on black underwear with big white polka dots. She says, “Mommy you have polka dots on your panties” Me, “Yes” Stella “Why are they ovals?” Me “They’re circles” Stella “Well they’re ovals now” WHAT A PUNK!!!
Stella just walked over to me and asked “Can I have some of your money?”…her piggy bank is empty. I told her to pick up her toys.
Maizie got mad at Teddy and said she never wanted to see him again so she locked him in my bedroom. Poor guy was locked in there for 20 min before I asked where he was.
Yesterday when I came home from grocery shopping the kids were in the backyard naked smearing themselves with dirt. Why? Because they were monsters, and monsters don’t wear clothes.
Maizie is up and Ted asked her if she was going to sleep with us. Her response was, “As long as those two assholes stay asleep” (obviously referring to Teddy and Stella)
Maizie tried to “slice” Teddy with a plastic knife. When she apologized to him he hugged her and said, “I will always love you even if you do something mean. And I will always be mad at you when you’re mean.”
Stella was yelling at Teddy so I look to see what the problem was, Teddy’s ass was hanging out of his shorts. I told Teddy to fix his clothes, no one wants to see your rump. He said, “Ladies love my rump”… all I could do was laugh.
I just had to sew one of Stella’s dolls and the whole time I’m doing it my surgical audience (Stella and Teddy) kept saying “It’s okay Shaken Baby, it’s going to be alright.”
I just heard a knock on the dining room door, I opened it and it was Stella with her suitcase (she’s supposed to be in bed). I said, “Are you moving?” and she said, “Yea”, and walked past me. I asked her where she was moving to and she said, “The living room…I can’t sleep.” They have their laptop playing a whole assload of movies and she has to “Move” to the living room…I’m never going to get rid of this one.
The kids have 1 hula hoop. Maizie just came in and asked me to take off her necklace. I asked if it was too hot and she said no they were fighting over the hula hoop and didn’t want it to break.
Instead of writing my own post I just copied Ted Kraus‘ … Teddy (the 4 year old not me), noting that he can willfully pee in the yard and the dog poops in the yard, decided that HE can drop trou and pinched a loaf in the yard. May was horror struck and came in saying “You GOTTA see what Teddy did in the yard!” The H is out there now hosing him off. Dude seriously dropped a deuce… IN THE YARD! Wow.
Funniest thing heard so far today…The kids are having meatball sandwiches for lunch and Teddy is once again wearing a white t-shirt. I asked if he was going to keep that one clean and he said yes. Maizie then all indignant says, “Oh quit lying and tell Mommy the truth”
Teddy recently went to NY System and had 3 all the way. Man vs. food was on and they were there so I called him in when the guy was attempting to eat 15 wieners (or gaggas). I said to Teddy “He going to eat 15 of them” He looked at me and said, “He’s gonna poop”
Lunchtime incident at the Kraus House: Stella starts choking and coughing on applesauce (yes, applesauce), Maizie immediately runs from the room. Stella starts crying saying she has a stomach ache. I try to get her to take a sip of water and she lets out a burp that shook the walls and made me jump back. As the burp is still going on simultaneously Teddy asks if Stella threw up and Maizie slammed the door to the room she ran to. After the burp Stella said “Wow I fell better”

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