Meet the Invisible (Not Imaginary) Friends


My kids have invisible friends, I once made the mistake of saying imaginary and boy was I corrected. Teddy quickly and swiftly informed me that they were not imaginary, just invisible. The friends started with Stella, she would blame her nastiness and bad decisions on Lovey, the original IF (invisible friend). It started when Stella would rip ass, turn her rump toward you and quickly say, “Smell that.” Ted and I had no idea where that came from, so one day after she did it (at the dinner table) I asked her where she learned it. She said “Lovey taught her.” Next logical question, “Who’s Lovey?” She informed us it was her invisible friend, but here’s the kicker, it was also her reflection. Now I’m just waiting for her head to start to spin.
A few weeks later Stella started talking about Merlot. I don’t drink wine, especially red wine so I have no clue where the name came from. I asked, “Who’s Merlot?” Another IF. Great now there are two. Apparently Merlot is the “good one” because she likes to paint rainbows, flowers and butterflies instead of being a nasty girl like that Lovey. Then Lisa showed up, but she disappeared as fast as Richie Cunningham’s older brother, Chuck. We no longer talk about her.
Stella’s friends had been around for a while and I guess Teddy didn’t want to be outdone so his IFs had to rear their rather eclectic heads. His are Evil Man, Dishwashing Man and Funny. Their names pretty much describe them; he’s not the most imaginative in the name department. I have been informed that Evil Man has be kicked out of the group because he’s just too evil and turned into a bad guy the others “just didn’t want to deal with that.” Well with a name like that could you blame him?
Dishwashing Man does just that, he shows up to do my dishes. When he does, he uses almost all of the dish soap and gets water all over the kitchen. Most of the time I end up having to go through the strainer and try to figure out which dishes he did so I can rewash them. It’s usually the ones that still have bubbles on them, but he’s just there to help.
Funny is around the most and he has a real job, in Texas. Somehow he gets back to our house lickety split when his shift is over, I don’t know how he travels, but it’s quick. He goes on double dates with Teddy and he’s always calling him on the phone. He got his name because he tells funny jokes, but they’re not that funny trust me and he’s in a relationship with Merlot. So I am constantly hearing about their dating saga. Really Teddy, you’re five.
So in my house there are three kids, two adults, one dog and six-ish invisible friends.

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